Am up to 6 miles and feeling much better! Will post more later :)

Relearning to Fight

I can’t really describe what’s been going on with me. I guess it’s called grief. But it feels more like shame and fear.

A couple of weeks ago when work became unbearable, when my uncle quickly died, and when I didn’t get my dream job that I interviewed for, I just fell…. fell off the “wagon” of sorts, fell into a despairing funk, fell out of my positive changes.

I was doing so well. My friends called me the ninja. I was up to running 5 miles outside on this amazing trail and I loved it. My daily world revolved around when I could get that run in. I felt amazing. My body was changing, my mood was better, my confidence was an actual presence in my life. I was sharing my journey and friends were inspired. And for once in my life, I was actually proud of myself. And the inspiration from everyone… wow…. you are all so very amazing and I can’t begin to thank you all for the support.

But I guess my mind got in the way. I have just let myself sink into this. I feel like my mind is battling my willpower. I want soo badly to get up and get back into running and back into my healthy diet. I’ve NEVER felt better than when I was on track before. But why is it so hard? Why is it even a struggle when I know how amazing I felt? Saturday I was awake in time to go to our group run, but I just couldn’t get myself out of bed… not so much physically, but emotionally and mentally. I felt like my group would know I was slacking and I would disappoint them. Because I know I have disappointed myself.

Our group leader said this to me in a recent email:

            “In the end, it’s you against you. If you aren’t moving forward, you’re moving      backwards. Only you can pull you up and get yourself out of the funk. You can do     this. I believe in you.”

He’s right. No one came and pushed me down, no one told me I was doing horribly, no one discouraged me. Only I have done that to myself. Yes, I have had some difficult situations happen lately but why I am letting that be an excuse?

I will try my best to not being against myself. Everyone tells me to be kind to myself. And they are right, you all are right. But I’ve never been kind to myself in life. Is that maybe why this is such a battle? It may take one day at a time because as a whole, getting back to where I was seems overwhelming. So I wrote down his words to me on a paper that I will put on the treadmill tonight and I will do what I can.

I apologize for being such a downer lately. It isn’t my intention, promise. I guess there is just much more of a mental fight that I thought coming into this. But, I will relearn to fight! I must.

----

As I typed this, my college Roommate was writing me this… and I will include this to remind myself as I push on and look back on this post to serve as a reminder:

“You are a NINJA. You are a tough girl who has worked her butt off. You have done so much, lived in Russia, South Korea, which...is no easy task. You grab life by the balls and don't take any crap. (yes, I just said that). You are a go-getter who is growing and learning and pushing to find the best person you can be. You have been such a wonderful friend, loyal, always there, ready for any adventure, ready to just "be" if I have just needed someone to just be around. You enjoy life. You have always reminded me to find my inner "adventure" and to go for it! I love that you are always trying new things, and expanding your horizons. I am not one, who is even out of their funk either. But I do know that we can beat the funk. We can overcome. It is going to be hard, time consuming and probably suck. But I think we can take this funk and shove it. (hahah, yep said that too). We can beat the funk up, give it a black eye and say get lost! lol. You are a hard worker, and I have absolutely no doubts that you will overcome. Baby steps girl, and before you know it, you will reflect back and see how far away from this funk you are.”

On that note… I WILL relearn to fight and to beat this funk up!!

-Linda

Amazing Support

Yesterday I posted the same blog that I did here on my Marathon Makeover website. And the network of support there is awesome! Here are some of the amazing responses I recieved:

Responses:

I'm sorry you are hurting. This too shall pass. The only way to get from here (where you are) to there (where you want to be) is to keep your head up with your eyes focused on your goal and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Its true for marathoning and its true for life.
The hardest lesson I've learned in life is to not allow the circumstances of my life steal my joy.
I will pray for you and for your family.

tanya

You have my prayers and I know that you have a bright future with work and with marathoning!!!!!

Shara

Linda:  You and your family are in my prayers.  Praying for peace for your loss and if it's God's will, for you to get your dream job.   Hugs to you fellow marathoner.

Merry

Prayers are going up for you and your family.   (I bet you have a better run than you expect)  Thoughts and prayers over the miles...

Daphne

re-read your own post and I think you'll agree that you NEED a good run to relieve your stress; it will help in so many ways; drink a good amount of water and get back to eating well and in a couple of days, your body will physically feel much better, which will, in turn, help you deal with eveything else; praying for you!

Jana

Linda,
Sorry is too little a word for times like this...but it's the only word I can use on a family friendly website.  Everyone is right, a run or walk will help.  Trust me on this.  If you check my story you'll see that I do know what I'm talking about here.  I will pray for you and your family.  Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
(((hugs))))

Heather

My prayers are going up for you. 

Sandra

You are all amazing! Thank you so very much for your support. I DID go on my run and although I was a little slow.. it was JUST what I needed. I even stopped off by the river and had some reflective time. Thank you all again so very much! I can't believe I am getting such amazing support from people I don't even know... but I am forever grateful and hope to be your friends all soon!

linda

Linda- I'm so sorry you've had such a bad couple of weeks! And so sorry about your uncle. Praying for you.

Carrie

First, I am so sorry for your loss.  My prayers are with you and your family as each of you deal with this loss.
For you, getting back out there is GREAT!!  Don't beat yourself up for what has happened and the fact that you haven't run for a couple of weeks.  Think we all fall prey to excuses and they can be our worst enemy.  Take it as a learning tool and grow from it.  Sounds like you have the determination and will power.  Remember you have a big "new" family of MM.


Lastly, Ephesians 6:10-18 helps me get through the daily grind.  In fact 6:10 is posted on my computer so I see it everyday, it helps esp  when I get a tough Customer Service call. 

DonnaK

Linda, we will be praying for you.

I encourage you to not look at the last few days as failure. First of all, you have two good months behind you. that did not change because you did not run a few days and ate poorly for a few days. You should not be thinking about that past few days and be thinking about today and what you can do for yourself today.
Also, it is good that your fiance was bold enough to tell you what he sees in your life. We all need loved ones to speak truth into our lives. Often we already know that truth, but it is more real and convicting when someone we love tells it to us. But on the other hand, I disagree with him about you changing. We can call change. I suggest asking him to accept that you are a work in progress and to not expect your past to dictate your future.


And finally, you did look stress, frustration, depression, mourning in the eye and say, “No! You will not beat me!”…. Yes, life made you stumble. But to be beaten means the fight has left completely and you cannot get up again. that is not what happened. You beat it. Granted, you knew you were in a fight. It wasn't easy. And it probably still is not easy. But that's OK. God does not promise to remove all difficulties from our path. only that he will strengthen us and be with us through them. We may fall, we may stumble, we made bleed. But we can get through. God will lead us to victory.
God bless you, You are being victorious! You are a marathoner!
Victor

Victor

I can totally identify with your struggles. I have always started strong and fell off the wagon as soon as something came up. I then would beat myself up about it to the point that I would continue to make poor choices for months after. I now am forcing myself to use exercise as my outlet.Don't allow food to be your go to. Don't dread the training.Set boundaries and be selfish sometimes. You have to say no to others and yes to a life change for yourself.I know things are tough and you will be in my prayers. Keep writing in your journal and re-committing to the goals you have set. You are a marathoner!!!
Brandy

 I feel so very supported by this unexpected network of support and from my friends and loved ones who are supporting me as well. Thank you everyone! I will keep these always to look back on forever!

Just keep running...
-Linda

So I won’t even lie… these last two weeks have been awful. It began with  stress at work which bears something more personal because I work for family. It sent me into a funk that I have only dug myself deeper into. I stopped running because my day at work seemed so tiring that by the time I was done, all I could think about was getting into my pajamas and curling up on the couch all night. And that’s what I did. I felt guilt but at the same time, I sunk into my excuses one-hundred percent and didn’t try to find any outward or inward motivation.

To make matters worse, my precious Uncle Randy randomly fell very ill this last Tuesday and battled through the week only to die Friday night. It was and still is a shock to us all and we are all at a loss. Then not only was I exhausted from the drama that still persisted at work, but then I was going to the hospital at night and picking relatives up at the airport at all hours and, again, didn’t get a run in at all.

I’ve only ran twice in the last two weeks. And it seems like every night there has been a potluck of sorts gathering family together and being the emotional eater I am… I caved… every night. I feel like crap.

Yesterday on our way home from the memorial, my fiancé talked to me about why I let excuses rule me. He meant it in the best way and is just trying to help. And he’s right… if there is an excuse to be had, I take it. I was doing well for the last two months, both with eating and exercising and I have never felt better. But as soon as something comes up, I slack. And it’s been my default since I can remember. He says this is my personality and he can’t see me changing because he has seen it over and over already in the short two and a half years we’ve been together.

I don’t want it to be true. I want to look stress, frustration, depression, mourning in the eye and say, “No! You will not beat me!”…. but how do I even get there?

My only answer as of right now is that today I WILL RUN! My bag is packed in my car and as soon as 3:30 hits and work is done, I’m getting back on that trail. I know I will be slow and tired and I might feel more defeated than ever before… but I must. I also cancelled my plans tonight so I can simply go home and write in my journal. I want… no, I NEED, to figure this all out. I need to not have that default setting in my personality that makes me “relapse” back into my old unhealthy ways. I want this to be my life, not a temporary change.  

If you feel the need, please be praying for me. Please pray that my uncle rests in peace and that my family will find that peace in his absence… that a new opportunity will open up to me to provide a healthy change…. and that I can find the inner strength to press on especially when things get hard.

Thank you. 

-Linda

More than a Marathon!

Something has changed within me. This last week, I've started to notice a difference in my run... finally!

Firstly, I think I no longer hate running! During my day, I'm not dreading my run, but giddily looking forward to it all day. Maybe those emotions are mixed with the fact that I run RIGHT after work and it signals the end of my day as well, but I like to say it's because I'm looking forward to my run. My desk is in the corner of our office surrounded by windows and they just so happen to look off in the area that my running trail goes towards (which is towards Mt. Hood and the Columbia Gorge). All day I gaze out and gage the weather happenings for my run. It creates an excitement that builds in me all day, even if it's raining :) It's something concrete and healthy that I can do to get through my job. Then, when I get to the trail, I'm amped up for my run and not dreading it. 

Also, I noticed a change in my running form without me fully acknowledging it. Before I had to be very concious of keeping my body straight and tall and was jogging slow so my leg extension wasn't very long yet. And once I corrected my form, it only lasted around a minute before I slumped back into my slouched form again. But this week I began running, maybe it was on Friday, and my stride was longer which propelled me further. It just feels easier to run and I'm going faster than before! Again, this wasn't concious, it just happened one day. Isn't it crazy!?

Then, I also noticed that time is flying when I'm running. It's my "ME" time... so I begin by intentionally shaking off my usually stressful work day and leave those stressors in the gravel behind me. Then I think about my positive affrimations and how they are slowly becoming a reality. How I'm beginning to feel heathier and more fit. And I can slowly feel my body start to change (have to buy new pants this weekend because none of mine fit anymore!). I feel slightly slimmer, my stretches are longer, my confidence is higher and my thinking is far more positive! And I'm becoming stronger, not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. I'm learning more about myself so I feel stronger about standing up for myself and I'm reacting more controlled to negative or stressful situations. After thinking through all of this, I'm done with my run and I can't believe how fast it went and how I didn't even have to put thought into it to keep myself going. Such a change from when I had to think through every step to complete my run.

Last Friday when I reached the end of my 50 minutes, I had just passed the 4 mile marker and was still feeling energized. I was either triggered by adrenaline or guilt from lunch (bosses bought Five Guys), but I pushed myself a little harder and I know that I shouldn't have because of what our schedule says, but I couldn't stop myself. I realized I wasn't far from 5 miles and just wanted to make it. So I pushed on and when I hit 60 minutes, I made it to 5 miles. And instead of feeling exhausted (which I was), I felt exhilerated! Eight weeks prior, one mile was an extreme challenge and I felt like I had reached a point in my life where change was impossible. But now, I feel like I'm really in this. That it is actually a possibility that me, this person who never raised the bar with myself, could not only run a marathon, but change myself for the better!

Looping this put me at my first 5 miler!!

So I guess when they say, "It's so much more than a marathon"... I guess they're right!

Food funk

Today I found my blog on my Google Reader and as I was scanning through my new posts to see how they looked, I ran into my old posts from Korea! I scrolled through them and reread some and I just can't believe how much I've have grown and changed since then. I actually really miss it there and know that I let my emotions drive me so much there and made some really bad decision. Eek! What a baby I was... and the posts I read were only two years ago! Ah! I am hoping that as I continue to learn more about myself during this process of self-discovery, I will learn to base my decisions and judgments more rationally than emotionally.

Then onto my funk.... 

So my runs have been amazing this week but I somehow cannot get control over my diet. I've been so good with my food journal and keeping my calories low and getting enough protein for the last several weeks.... but the last couple of days I've let it slip and have been so ashamed of what I have had to eat that I would scratch out my food journal for that day and not even acknowledge what that day just meant in calories. It's only been two days that I scratched out my daily food journal post in frustration.. but still.

This last weekend I weighed myself and saw that I have lost 10 lbs since beginning the program! And I've been progressing in my daily runs... when we have our 50 minute days, I'm up to 4 miles. Making that progress I've finally begun to feel proud of myself and have started telling people about my journey. It's amazing but I'm scared that somehow I'm now sabotaging my progress.

What has gotten into me and why can't I stop eating crap? And why is this happening when my runs are finally where they need to be and when I finally felt proud of my progress?

New Technique

I won't lie, last week was horrible for me. I had a mental war going on and I let it affect my workouts all week... I still did every workout, amazingly, but they were weak. I was very thankful that our lesson at Marathon Makeover on Saturday was about tips to get over the mental battle. For me, positive self talk is key. I realize now that all last week while running, I was internally processing why I had always doubted myself... trying to figure it out. But even letting those negative thoughts in my head while trying to conquer a run led to me stopping mid-run and had me trying over and over to get going again and then the frustration set in. 

Running along the Columbia River. Around that bend is the Columbia Gorge.

So Saturday I had a long talk with myself about everything to clear it up and then pushed all that negative talk that I have let make my head it's home and then I pushed it out of my brain. Then I let positive talk step in.

"I can do this."

"I am capable."

"I eat healthy."

"I am confident."

"I am a runner."

and...

"Damn, I look good!"

And doing so has really helped me put those positive vibes in my mind so before I even put my shoes on, I'm feeling strong and confident.

My other trick is alternating walking and jogging. And I know, this should have been a no brainer from the beginning... I have no clue why I never thought of it at all. I would set out to conquer the trail and complete my hefty (however many) miles and I instantly was overwhelmed. Another reason why I would get going and continue to stop myself even though I knew I could do it. So on Saturday at MM, one of our leaders ran besides me and a friend and told us his tricks and this was one of them. And based on yesterday's run, it REALLY helped me!

So yesterday I began alternate jogging for 2 minutes, walking for one. And I did this for the 50 minutes. It really helped me to focus on the segment that I was in. Call me ADD but it was a lot easier to get through my two minute push than looking at the 50 minutes whole. I just held my phone in my hand with the stop watch feature on and focused on each minute and that's it. And by doing this, I covered more mileage than I ever have before and FELT like I got the most out of my workout! Before I would be semi-tired but more defeated as I knew I could have done more but just couldn't get over my mental hump. But yesterday, I reached the 50 minutes right at the 4 mile mark and was dripping sweat and feeling GREAT!

Looping this puts me at 4 miles... a new high!

                                              

Just keep running...

-Linda