So I won’t even lie… these last two weeks have been awful. It began with  stress at work which bears something more personal because I work for family. It sent me into a funk that I have only dug myself deeper into. I stopped running because my day at work seemed so tiring that by the time I was done, all I could think about was getting into my pajamas and curling up on the couch all night. And that’s what I did. I felt guilt but at the same time, I sunk into my excuses one-hundred percent and didn’t try to find any outward or inward motivation.

To make matters worse, my precious Uncle Randy randomly fell very ill this last Tuesday and battled through the week only to die Friday night. It was and still is a shock to us all and we are all at a loss. Then not only was I exhausted from the drama that still persisted at work, but then I was going to the hospital at night and picking relatives up at the airport at all hours and, again, didn’t get a run in at all.

I’ve only ran twice in the last two weeks. And it seems like every night there has been a potluck of sorts gathering family together and being the emotional eater I am… I caved… every night. I feel like crap.

Yesterday on our way home from the memorial, my fiancé talked to me about why I let excuses rule me. He meant it in the best way and is just trying to help. And he’s right… if there is an excuse to be had, I take it. I was doing well for the last two months, both with eating and exercising and I have never felt better. But as soon as something comes up, I slack. And it’s been my default since I can remember. He says this is my personality and he can’t see me changing because he has seen it over and over already in the short two and a half years we’ve been together.

I don’t want it to be true. I want to look stress, frustration, depression, mourning in the eye and say, “No! You will not beat me!”…. but how do I even get there?

My only answer as of right now is that today I WILL RUN! My bag is packed in my car and as soon as 3:30 hits and work is done, I’m getting back on that trail. I know I will be slow and tired and I might feel more defeated than ever before… but I must. I also cancelled my plans tonight so I can simply go home and write in my journal. I want… no, I NEED, to figure this all out. I need to not have that default setting in my personality that makes me “relapse” back into my old unhealthy ways. I want this to be my life, not a temporary change.  

If you feel the need, please be praying for me. Please pray that my uncle rests in peace and that my family will find that peace in his absence… that a new opportunity will open up to me to provide a healthy change…. and that I can find the inner strength to press on especially when things get hard.

Thank you. 

-Linda