A couple of weeks ago when work became unbearable, when my uncle quickly died, and when I didn’t get my dream job that I interviewed for, I just fell…. fell off the “wagon” of sorts, fell into a despairing funk, fell out of my positive changes.
I was doing so well. My friends called me the ninja. I was up to running 5 miles outside on this amazing trail and I loved it. My daily world revolved around when I could get that run in. I felt amazing. My body was changing, my mood was better, my confidence was an actual presence in my life. I was sharing my journey and friends were inspired. And for once in my life, I was actually proud of myself. And the inspiration from everyone… wow…. you are all so very amazing and I can’t begin to thank you all for the support.
But I guess my mind got in the way. I have just let myself sink into this. I feel like my mind is battling my willpower. I want soo badly to get up and get back into running and back into my healthy diet. I’ve NEVER felt better than when I was on track before. But why is it so hard? Why is it even a struggle when I know how amazing I felt? Saturday I was awake in time to go to our group run, but I just couldn’t get myself out of bed… not so much physically, but emotionally and mentally. I felt like my group would know I was slacking and I would disappoint them. Because I know I have disappointed myself.
Our group leader said this to me in a recent email:
“In the end, it’s you against you. If you aren’t moving forward, you’re moving backwards. Only you can pull you up and get yourself out of the funk. You can do this. I believe in you.”
He’s right. No one came and pushed me down, no one told me I was doing horribly, no one discouraged me. Only I have done that to myself. Yes, I have had some difficult situations happen lately but why I am letting that be an excuse?
I will try my best to not being against myself. Everyone tells me to be kind to myself. And they are right, you all are right. But I’ve never been kind to myself in life. Is that maybe why this is such a battle? It may take one day at a time because as a whole, getting back to where I was seems overwhelming. So I wrote down his words to me on a paper that I will put on the treadmill tonight and I will do what I can.
I apologize for being such a downer lately. It isn’t my intention, promise. I guess there is just much more of a mental fight that I thought coming into this. But, I will relearn to fight! I must.
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As I typed this, my college Roommate was writing me this… and I will include this to remind myself as I push on and look back on this post to serve as a reminder:
“You are a NINJA. You are a tough girl who has worked her butt off. You have done so much, lived in Russia, South Korea, which...is no easy task. You grab life by the balls and don't take any crap. (yes, I just said that). You are a go-getter who is growing and learning and pushing to find the best person you can be. You have been such a wonderful friend, loyal, always there, ready for any adventure, ready to just "be" if I have just needed someone to just be around. You enjoy life. You have always reminded me to find my inner "adventure" and to go for it! I love that you are always trying new things, and expanding your horizons. I am not one, who is even out of their funk either. But I do know that we can beat the funk. We can overcome. It is going to be hard, time consuming and probably suck. But I think we can take this funk and shove it. (hahah, yep said that too). We can beat the funk up, give it a black eye and say get lost! lol. You are a hard worker, and I have absolutely no doubts that you will overcome. Baby steps girl, and before you know it, you will reflect back and see how far away from this funk you are.”
On that note… I WILL relearn to fight and to beat this funk up!!
-Linda
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